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15 of Victoria Wood’s Best Quotes – #5 Will Make You SO HAPPY

We’re still mourning the loss of the nation’s best loved comedian Victoria Wood. We thought we’d put together 15 of some of her best quotes – though in truth there are too many to put in just one article.

Have a laugh and remember Victoria along with us.


via YouTube
via YouTube

“What are you thinking of doing Madeline?”

“I said Modelling”

“She said Modelling, Madeline?”

“I said yes”

“She said if you go meddling with modelling, you’ll be middling our Madeline”


Via The Guardian
Via The Guardian

Jean: “Are you implying I thrust Thrush into the conversation?”

Tony: “I am. You thrust it, in you thrash it out”

Jean: “Are you calling me a thrush thruster?”

Tony: “You teeter on the thrush threshold threatening to thrash”

Wood and Walter – part 1

Via Ladydontfallbackwards
Via Ladydontfallbackwards

Walters: “You know Renee’s colourblind?”

Wood: “Colourblind?”

Walters: “Mm, can’t tell red from blue. She once tottered into a brothel thinking it was a police station. It was ok in the end, someone helped pump her tyres up”

Wood on parenthood

via Metro
via Metro

Celebrity mummies always say “Of course, I didn’t get my figure back straight away – it did take about 20 minutes”

Acorn Antiques


Miss Babs: “Frankly Clifford, I’m flat flat broke”

Clifford: “You’re broke? You gave me Oysters”

Miss Babs: “Instant mashed potato and a heck of a lot of nail varnish”

Wood and Walters part 2

Via Mirror
Via Mirror

Pam: “I’m Pam, yes Pam of Live With Pam. I need those croissants – I’m borderline hypoglycaemic, diagnosed pastry dependent. It’s imperative I leave this cafeteria replete with the requisite number of calories in under 8 and a half minutes or the most innovative women’s daytime television show will be OFF THE AIR”

Victoria: “You look *licks croissants” You only want those croissants because I’ve got them. There’s no need to barge to the front of the queue like a heat seeking missile in slingbacks. If you were really diagnosed pastry dependent at least two of those *points to rollers in Pam’s hair* would be sausage rolls so you could pick them off in an emergency. And if Live with Pam did have to replaced by soothing music and an illustration from The People’s Friend, half the audience wouldn’t notice and the other 37 would find the new version unbearably stimulating and have to lie down”

On dating

Via Independent
Via Independent

“I’m going on a date. He’s taking me to a Creperie. We’re going to creep in, have a crepe and creep out again”

On sport


From LWT. VICTORIA WOOD - STILL STANDING on Sunday 19 April 1998 In a show recorded at the Swan Theatre, High Wycombe, VICTORIA WOOD stars in her first TV programme for three years. During the hour of stand-up comedy and songs, Victoria talks about stress, children and Christmas. Picture shows: VICTORIA WOOD.
Via Courier

“We used to do cross country at school. 37 teenage girls lumbering across Greater Manchester. They stopped that after we dented a viaduct”

Wood and Walters part 3

via Telegraph
via Telegraph

Wyn: “You’ve a look of Eva Braun, has anyone ever told you?”



Via Nottingham Post
Via Nottingham Post

Customer: “What’s the soup of the day?”

Bren: “Twink, what’s the soup of the day?”

Twinkle: “Minestrone”

Bren: “Why didn’t you put in on the board?”

Twinkle: “Can’t spell it”

Wood and Walters part 4

Via YouTube
Via YouTube

Barbara: “We’ll be serving the constituency on alternate days”

Jean: “I’ll do Monday, Wednesday and Friday”

Barbara: “We’ll do alternate Sundays, because I like to worship on that day”

Jean: “And I like to have a good go at the kitchen cupboards”


Vis Digital Spy
Vis Digital Spy

“I thought Two by One was an African dictator”

On being Northern

Via telegraph
Via telegraph

“We’d like to apologise to viewers in the North. It must be awful for them”


Via theawl
Via theawl

“I’m looking for me friend. Have yer seen her? Kimberly. She’s really really tall, and really really wide. If you put a suitcase on her head, she’d look like a fitted wardrobe”

On life

via ArtsDesk
via ArtsDesk

Some of us live life in the fast lane, drinking champagne, and some of us eat our sandwiches by the loose chippings on the A597.

Kit Dwyer
Writer and comedian. I've been freelancing since 2009. The last 4 years I've been an SEO specialist. In my spare time I blog about new music. I will publish a novel one day, instead of telling everyone about it.


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